Standing Tall at 24

Chapter 10 to Chapter 15

Chapter 10 — The Summer Solstice (10th solar term, June 21 or 22)

“…I will strive to break through, I will strive to fly. Behind me stands my family, applauding me all the way. Cling to your dream, and strive hard to fly. Walk your own path, heedless of the obstacles waiting ahead. Let others talk — go your own way. Flying to that distant land is only a dream, it all feels so unreal to me. But I will strive to break through, I will strive to fly. Behind me stands my family, applauding me all the way…”

Chapter 11 — Lesser Heat (11th solar term, July 6, 7 or 8)

At the end of 2009, I went to Korea for the third time.

I’ve fallen down twice now, but I’m glad I didn’t give up. I’m glad I was able to keep on going. This time, I was surprisingly calm about coming back. I didn’t need to make any more resolutions to myself, since I knew there was no turning back.

I threw myself into practicing, to the point where I barely treated myself like a human being. Before I returned to China the second time, if a teacher asked us to practice for six hours, I’d practice for twelve. But now, I would force myself to practice for another six hours on top of that. To achieve grace in my dancing, I secretly tied sandbags and dumbbells weighing up to three kilograms to myself while performing. This was self-destructive behavior, but I didn’t have much time left. I needed my body to tolerate a heavier workload — it can’t be tired out after just one dance. I wanted to sing while dancing, so I need to train my endurance. Only by pushing myself to the limit time after time will I know whether I could overcome it.

After my practicing was over at 2 or 3 am, I would go to dance studios outside to learn more. To watch people dance, to dance with them, and to keep learning new moves.

That time was filled with dark and lonely nights. Sometimes I was so tired after practicing that I would just lay on the floor, slick with my own sweat; sometimes I would close my eyes for a little rest, and then open them to find it was dawn; sometimes I would walk down the street alone in the middle of the night, past the closed storefronts, with only dim neon lights keeping me company.

There was no one on the road. Walking along the overpass, I could hear only my own footsteps. I couldn’t feel that something in my heart any longer… did it disappear? Did it ever exist at all? I suddenly recalled my childhood, when I often imagined myself as a little chick.

It was two years I can barely recall. I had nothing but practice. Later on, someone called me a “God-like trainee”, at which I could only smile wryly. “Lunatic trainee” would have been more accurate.

I was once asked what color my life in Korea was during those two years. I thought about it for a long time, and the answer is: it had no color. What color is hard work?

Chapter 12 — Greater Heat (12th solar term, July 22, 23 or 24)

My First Stage

In December 2010, I was asked to dance at a SHINee concert in Japan in place of Jong Hyun, a group member who had been injured.

That was the very first time that I had ever set foot on a real stage. I can still recall the moment before the concert kicked off, when everyone stood beside the stage, waiting in the dark for each SHINee member’s name to appear on the big screen one by one.

KEY

Min Ho

Tae Min

ONEW

Jong Hyun

With each name came a deafening roar of applause from the audience.

When would I finally be able to hear thousands of fans calling my name?

Standing there in the dark, the only sound I could hear was my own pounding heart. I suddenly recalled that scene of Michael Jackson going on stage, which my mother and I used to watch at home when I was younger. I thought I would be seeing each and every face in the audience, but in fact I was only thinking of bits and pieces of my life up until now.

Was this my moment?

All of a sudden, the walls of my heart became extremely thin — thinner and more transparent than a piece of paper! It was then that I first laid eyes on that something inside me. It was like a shadow, and it was truly alive!

Around that time, I got into a big fight with my mom. My mom has always been a very competitive person, and I’ve never talked to her that way. But in that moment, I wanted to scream at her to make her go back home. “Can’t you just go back home? What are you doing here? What else can I do? Do I have any choice but to debut here? Where else can I be then?”

My mom held me in her arms and cried. “Let’s go home,” she said. “Let’s give up on that debut. I can support you, seriously. But please don’t break your back, I’m begging you.”

At that moment, I suddenly felt like my heart had cracked like an egg and that something inside it hatched. I looked down, and beheld a dragon.

Chapter 13 — The Beginning of Autumn (13th solar term, August 7, 8 or 9)

On the day of my official debut, my mind actually went completely blank when I finally stood on a stage of my very own. I only remembered that the stage was really big, and I was really nervous! Haha… Really nervous. Luckily, there were a lot of other members onstage — if the audience didn’t want to watch me, they could always watch someone else. That thought comforted me a bit.

Later, when I watched the debut video, I saw that we all got a little choked up. At our moment of debut, I felt that all my struggles had been worthwhile. We may never return to that moment, but we will remember it always.

We had finally stood on that stage — the stage we spared no effort to reach — and let the whole world see us.

Chapter 14 — The End of Heat (14th solar term, August 22, 23 or 24)

It was a very subtle feeling, like I was in two worlds. One was brimming with the noise, attention, and passionate love of my fans. Yet in the other, a larger world where the general public lived, I seemed to be nothing but a stranger and nobody knew who I was. When I walked down the street, I sometimes found people glancing at me… But it was not because they recognized me as a member of EXO. Maybe it was just because they thought I was good looking. The reason can be just that simple. The exact same thing happened when six of our members walked down the street together. I could see the questions on the faces of people passing by. They probably thought we looked kind of cute, but that was it.

Recording shows in Beijing was the same. Only fans would take photos of me. The general public was never interested. Who’s this boy? I don’t know him. When I was recording Go Fighting, Sun Honglei (a well-known actor in China and a close friend of mine) asked the spectators to do him a favor. Everyone — I mean literally everyone, old and young, men and women — all raised their hands to volunteer. However, when I asked: “Are there any fans of Zhang Yixing here?” Nobody responded. Some older ladies asked me: “What’s your name, kid? ” I replied: “Hello, my name is Zhang Yixing.”

I wasn’t hurt. I knew that was just reality. Sun Honglei is a household name in China, but I wasn’t that famous at the time. I understand that it’s quite normal that very few people have heard of me in a country this large. Thus, even though I was a little disappointed, I understood that I needed to accept that reality.

I’m also aware that I have to start my career from square one in my own country. I like to think of my career as a long-distance race. I hope I can go slower but stay in the race longer — there’s no need to rush. I want to be just like Sun Honglei: realizing my dream one step at a time.

Chapter 15 — White Dew (15th solar term, September 7, 8 or 9)

Years have passed. I’ve been feeling the love from my fans, powerful and unconditional. “I’ll always love you no matter what happens.” Every single moment, they are calling out to me with a thousand different voices. The relationship we have isn’t as much that of an idol and their idolizers as it is like a big family growing up together. They see themselves in me, and from them I draw the strength to keep moving forward.

Because of that strength, I changed.

There was a time when I thought that, despite all the glory of being onstage, it will all inevitably fade away. There would come a day when I will finally become an average person again — but definitely one filled with happiness. That will be because I have spent so long being loved by so many people. I’ll always remember every sign lit up with my name, every video filled with love, every shyly-written letter. Because I am loved like this, I will keep on singing for it, even if I only have a single fan left out there.

I hope that, when that day finally comes, all those people who have ever loved me will treasure those memories. Maybe we won’t be part of each others’ lives anymore, but our footprints will forever remain on the road where we journeyed together.

Thank you for having loved me for so long. I will work hard, harder and harder still.