Standing Tall at 24

Preface — Chapter 9

Preface: The shape of a standing heart

I will never forget those years of practicing in Korea; my body is a constant reminder. During that time, my mind drove my body again and again to move, to dance, to accomplish my goals, and to realize my vision. I recall one incident where I was video chatting with my mother in the underground practice room. Facing the camera, I wrung out my clothes, and sweat poured out all over the floor. I told my mother, “Mom, I really am trying. If it doesn’t work out and I can’t debut, please don’t blame me!”

Hard work won’t guarantee you reach your goal, but it will absolutely make a difference. The final outcome, no matter what it is, will definitely be different from never trying at all. No one can determine the future, but the muscle memories collected in your body will determine how and where you stand when the moment comes.

I hope that in the future I can stand on one stage after another, strong in body and heart. Only after that can I afford to talk about making others notice me, finding fulfillment, and helping others. I hope I’ll always carry that feeling of persistence and hard work within myself. It was the power of those feelings that made me who I am now.

Where you stand determines the view you can take in, the responsibilities you must shoulder, the persona you project to others, and the future you can strive for.

With a heart aiming to stand tall, the only choice is to work hard, harder, and then harder still.

Chapter 4 — The Spring Equinox (4th solar term, March 20, 21 or 22)

When I entered the Star Academy competition, I was the youngest contestant at just thirteen years old. The other contestants and staff all treated me like a little brother. They taught me how to pick songs, coached me on singing, helped out with dance rehearsals, and told me where I should stand and what to do onstage. Back then, it seemed to me that they all shone like stars. It was only after I grew up that I realized those rays of light came from their intense love of music.

The rehearsal hall and backstage were always filled with joy. Sometimes, when the hall was occupied and we needed to wait for further instruction, we would sit together on the ground outside. One more senior contestant would play a familiar tune on the guitar and we would all happily start singing along. Gradually, I started to feel this warmth, this passion flowing over me, radiating from their shining eyes as they sang. I could feel the heat in my palms, and it slowly awakened an ambition in my heart. It was like something was trying to burst out from my chest. I suppose you could call that my inner fire!

Chapter 5 — Pure Brightness (5th solar term, April 4, 5 or 6)

Whenever I found something I was really interested in, I had to dig deeper: to listen to others singing, to watch others playing the piano. And then, my sense of superiority would gradually fade, like a floating balloon slowly leaking air and eventually falling to the ground.

Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and sit alone in my bed staring at the ceiling, surrounded by silence. There was no clapping or cheering, and no one to tell me how much they liked me. When everything had quieted down and gone silent, I would start to think: who am I? What exactly am I doing? Would the future Lay be just the same? Fear slowly seized my heart, digging in deeper and deeper. At that time I was really feeling hopeless — I felt that I wouldn’t survive in the music industry — but I was too afraid to tell anyone.

We are probably all strangers to ourselves. At the age of fifteen, I came to this realization for the first time: Crap, I need to start learning. Rising up in me was a sense of urgency that I’d never experienced before.

Finding Myself

I started trying to write my own songs and to gradually tinker with some small compositions. I was super excited while working on my first song: I would write late at night without sleeping, during classes, when I felt inspired and when I didn’t. Over time, I came to realize that I’m truly in love with music. I was really hungry for more back then. Every day, I wanted to listen more, to watch more, and to learn more — I listened to other people’s music and any kind of music that caught my eye, observed how others play piano and compose, and watched movies where I took note of how good-looking the stars were.

You’ll see how far you still have to go once you start to do something seriously. Once you really start to learn and meet people who are truly talented, you’ll understand what the real world is like. Your confidence meter will drop sharply from 120 to 100, 80, 60, 40, 20 and then 10, and finally you’ll be left with your confidence sitting right at zero. I had nothing, and I absolutely knew nothing. To be honest, before the age of thirteen or fourteen, I was just an idiot who thought of myself as amazingly talented.

My first realization was: I need to start learning!

Chapter 7 — The Beginning of Summer (7th solar term, May 5, 6, or 7)

Before I decided to go to Korea, my mom had me sign an agreement. She was very serious about this.

I can still vividly remember that serious look on her face. She said “You’re almost seventeen, you’ve got strong opinions about how you want to live your life. If you believe this company is a good one and you want to do this, you have my support. However, I’m listing all the pros and cons of going to college in Changsha versus training in Korea right here, in this agreement. You need to think very hard about this. If you agree, and you’re still determined in going to Korea, then sign here. Your future is in your own hands. If this path doesn’t work out, you can’t blame me.”

My mom didn’t know much about SM Entertainment at that time, and the information that she found online about the company were all negative. Back then, she was thinking about how I was young and had never been far from home, and now I was leaving her side for so long and heading off to somewhere unknown. But she still respected my wish. She treated me like an adult as we discussed my future. She used the most rational method she knew to help me make my decision.

It was after this agreement that I truly started to think about what I would face in the future, and I became even more determined to follow through with my decision. I knew that regardless of the obstacles ahead, I had to remember that agreement I made.

After two days in a hotel, I was ready to move into the dorm. My mom was also heading back home. As we were saying goodbye, she looked at me and suddenly covered her mouth, turned away and left. She was crying, but she didn’t want me to see that. I watched my mom leave, feeling choked up inside, but I didn’t cry.

I understand why she cried. In her mind, she was just an ordinary mother. I was leaving for Korea at such a young age to follow my own path, and she couldn’t provide the kind of additional support I might need. She felt bad. She felt guilty. She would never say those things herself, of course.. But still, I didn’t want her to think that way. My mother had taken care of me from the moment I was born. She had always been there for every trip to and from the airport, for all my competitions and auditions. She was always there, no matter what.

She had done so much for me that I was glad I could finally do something on my own.

Chapter 9 — Grain in Ear (9th solar term, June 5, 6 or 7)

As it turned out, SM Entertainment gave trainees quite a lot of space. We had around three classes a day at the maximum. The rest of the time we were largely left to our own devices. We had to fill our time all by ourselves. Hence, training in Korea can actually be quite relaxing, and quite different from what people might imagine or how the rumors about SM portray it. But if you don’t practice and only attend classes, then your skill will stagnate.

Because of that something deep within my heart, I knew that I hadn’t come all the way to Korea for that. Before joining SM, I’d always felt like others were pushing me to practice. Only once I’d actually joined the company did I realize that wasn’t the case. In the end, I’m the only one who can push myself. It’s all up to me. The company gave trainees an incredible platform and invaluable resources. They provided us with housing and top-notch teachers. If you never debut because you didn’t work hard enough, that’s your own problem. Don’t blame anyone but yourself.

People can only help you if you are eager to grow. Nobody is going to beg you for it. It’s your own business.