Standing Tall at 24

Chapter 17 — Chapter 20

Chapter 17 — Cold Dew (17th solar term, October 8 or 9)

People can have a lot of crushes over the course of their lives, but once you decide to be with someone, you are responsible for that relationship. You can’t just give up on it easily.

To love or not, to be the one who loves or the one who is loved… if I had to pick, I think it ought to go like this: You express your thoughts and opinions, and so does she. Both of you try to find your common ground together in this relationship. If you find this common ground, and both parties feel good about it, then the relationship can continue. However, if only one side in the relationship is ever giving their all, that isn’t really love.

In our society, girls should be treated with more care and understanding. A while ago, I was on the variety show “Happy Camp”, and Huang Xiaoming (one of the guest stars) said, “I think no matter what a girl says, she’s right.” I feel the same way. Women really are amazing, because they will eventually have to bear children and become mothers. That is a lot of hard work, and they are mighty because of that. Meanwhile, men don’t have any such responsibilities. So if a girl feels insecure, I believe that it is absolutely up to the boy in her life to give her the security she needs.

“Affection” can come and go, but love will stay. When you’re about to tell a girl you love her, the moment those words leave your mouth, you are responsible for her.

If there’s a girl out there who’s destined to spend her life with me, wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing?

When I imagine that girl, I would hope that she is kind and has a sense of filial piety. That part isn’t negotiable. Besides that, if she is pretty, maybe with a nice figure, that would be icing on the cake, of course. I wouldn’t mind if a girl like that acted a bit spoiled or got upset at me every now and again. And if I can hope for anything more, I would only wish that she maybe let me lean on her when I’m tired.

Chapter 18 — Frost’s Descent (18th solar term, October 23 or 24)

For me, my happiest moments are when I’m in the studio alone and listening to the demo that I’ve just finished. All of those rhythms, notes, and numerous tracks all combine to make a song… There’s nothing else like that kind of happiness. It’s the feeling that you’re creating and keeping yourself alive.

I will never make compromises lightly when it comes to my music. I learned to express myself through those notes, and gradually learned how to understand others as well. I hope that Lay Zhang’s songs and lyrics will convey my unique style and will have the power to touch people’s hearts. This connection can sometimes be quite small and lonely, but other times grand and deep. Either way, this is a conversation I have with myself, quietly without anyone the wiser.

Chapter 19 — The Beginning of Winter (19th solar term, November 7 or 8)

My Ninety-Nine Girlfriends Who Got Away

Last winter, I decorated the speakers in my studio with two Pikachus I bought from Japan. Most of my songs were written on cold winter nights, with small snowflakes drifting outside. From morning to midnight, I parked myself in front of my computer and stayed there. When I got tired, I’d go back to the dorm to take a shower, then continue after I got back; if I got hungry, I’d order something random to eat, and then start writing again once I was full. I lived like this for a whole month, and I wrote a great deal of songs during that time. However… in the end, my computer broke. Everything was lost — not only the music I was working on, but also everything else I had stored on that computer. Not even a single note could be found.

When that happened, I almost lost my mind. I felt hopeless. All those songs I’d accumulated over the years, ninety-nine pieces in total, all gone.

It was heartbreaking. I laid on the floor for a long time, unable to even get up. It felt like in the blink of an eye I’d lost my girlfriends, all ninety-nine of them, and every single one of them gorgeous. I felt like dying.

Honestly, before that moment I was fearless, because deep in my heart I knew that I was a rich man when it came to music tracks. No matter what kind of difficulty lay before me, I had my ninety-nine tracks to protect me. With them, I could survive, even if one day I can no longer sing or dance.

But now, I’ve lost them for good. I cannot write the exact same songs all over again. I don’t know how others write their music tracks, but since I’m not academically trained in the theory behind tuning my music to perfection, every note I produced was the product of my intuition and my own ear. I listened to every single note in my compositions to find the best pitch, harmony, and arrangement, and then compiled them into one final song.

Thinking about this still makes my heart ache. 2014 witnessed the most painful winter of my life. No matter how popular EXO was that year, I lost the single most important thing to me.

Some songs are meant for ourselves

“Promise” was one of those songs that vanished into the great beyond, but was later retrieved. The initial draft took twenty-six straight hours without sleeping; after that, I spent two more days refining it, and five more days writing the melody. After my computer broke down, technical staff helped me to recover some very fragmented pieces of the music. I forced myself to get up from the floor, to listen and start writing write bit by bit so that I could reproduce it all over again.

I was frustrated with things outside of my control while writing this song, but at the same time, I wanted to give myself some hope, some way out of this negative mindset. The initial title for this piece was “EXO 2014”, as we’ve been through so much in 2014. Some songs are meant for others, but “Promise” was meant for ourselves.

In “Promise”, I talk about how people will leave you and some things are heartbreaking. You might feel that you failed to live up to others’ expectations, but still hope to keep protecting those that you want to protect. Pain and heartbreak are unavoidable. I hope I’ll be able to use all my strength to hold onto you tight, to hold you in my arms.

I’ve put all that I want to say into these lyrics.

Everything I’ve done for you, maybe it’s not enough

I’m still struggling to hold you tight

With my dream and the love you gave me

Sweat arcing off me and falling to the stage

This is my favorite part of the lyrics.

I hope that I can keep improving more and more with my songwriting. I’m aware of my many deficiencies, but that’s ok. I’ll keep on learning, bit by bit.

Chapter 20 — Lesser Snow (20th solar term, November 22 or 23)

Ever since I started writing my first song, I’ve known how much I love music, and especially how exciting it is to create my own music. When I’m writing a song, my mind and body are filled with excitement, and I spent every moment thinking up melodies.

But unfortunately, I did not write them down. This is one of my biggest regrets. If I still had those melodies, that could have been a great starting point and source of inspiration for my creative career.